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Like a Fat Girl Loves Cake

Growing up as a "minority" in a small town in Kentucky is a hard task.  When I say "minority", I'm not referring to a racial minority.  I'm referring to being a minority in the social norms set in our society.   Being a nerd or geek in school was probably rough, but the geeks grew up to accomplish great things and became just as respected as the "in crowd".  Being of a different racial ethnicity may have had its ups and downs as well, but people don't think about the skin color of the friends they have bonded with from kindergarten up.  The one most horrible, unforgiving minority that you can be in a small town in Kentucky is FAT.  There, I said it.  I'm already feeling better.

I'm not going into too much of a sob story because I'm not that kind of person. I'm not anymore, anyway.  The best thing about time is that is does, indeed, heal all wounds.  Not only does it do that, but it makes you wiser, stronger and much more mature.  Now, at 24 years old, I realize that life is exactly what you make it.  My only regret in life is that I didn't realize that earlier so I may have enjoyed my youth a bit more.  You see, it's not that I was picked on every single day of my life.  It's that I was picked on enough to make me edgy, paranoid, insecure and skittish like a stray that had been abused in the past.  I had friends in school, but not one of them are still friends with me today.  

I'm not trying to play the victim here.  I didn't hold on to my friends because of myself.  I was always friends, but only in a half-watt kind of way.  I was always over-thinking my relationships with people and just waiting for the moment that they betrayed my trust, talked about me behind my back or embarrassed me in some way or fashion.  I was a walking ball of stress and anxiety just waiting to explode, but I couldn't see that my biggest enemy was, in fact, myself.

I'm not sure what happened, but the day that I graduated high school it felt like I had been released from a heavy chain that had been wrapped around me for years.  I changed completely.  I started hanging out with a group of kids in town (they were from the county school) and, through their support, my confidence started to build.  That group of friends are still my group of friends and we still get together and talk about the "old days".  It took hanging out with a group of sincere friends, many years of college and multiple trips to Mexico for me to "find myself".  I'm very proud to say that I've accomplished many things in my life that those small town kids will, maybe, never accomplish.  I know that sounds snotty, but I feel like I can put that down in writing at least once in my life.

I still struggle with my weight.  It's a daily battle and, sometimes, I'm on the losing end---and not in a good way.  For all of you out there who think, "damn girl, just step away from the fridge", it's not that easy.  Eating disorders are just as hard to deal with as quitting smoking or being an alcoholic.  I guess you could just refer to me as a "chocoholic".  Plus, it's not like I'm not an active person.  I take my dog on a walk every day.  I work out three times a week.  I go hiking, climbing, swimming, scuba diving.  Some people truly do not have the best metabolism in the world.  Some people have to really work for it.

So, the end of this spill is the point of this blog.  I'm currently a journalism student at Western Kentucky University.  My biggest strength and outlet is writing so, maybe, I can blog about my progress (the ups AND downs) and have more success than not writing about it at all.

Midnight Munchies

I have to admit, there is nothing more satisfying that coming home after a long day and crashing on the couch and flipping on the t.v.  You can finally rest your eyes and sink into the soft cushions and let your brain turn into a melted pile of mush.  All is well about thirty minutes until, annoyingly, your stomach growls and reminds you that it's also nice to have a crunchy, salty snack while you bask in your laziness.  You had lunch only two hours ago and you've been doing so well on your "New Year, New You" diet.  What happened to your resolve?  Stop listening to those self-proclaimed "Diet Gurus" and size 3 gazelles at the heath food store.  How much could a skinny girl know about the mental workings of a fat girl??  I'll give you some advice about beating the cravings of the midnight munchies from someone who actually suffers from the as well.

First things first---do NOT deny yourself a snack when you want one!!!! This is extremely important.  It's a lot better to allow yourself a small snack than falling off the wagon and eating everything in your kitchen.  The next day you wake up from a sugar coma and you're not sure what the hell happened the night before as you search for your Special K.  Don't let this be you!! If you're afraid that you'll go overboard with your snack, drink a bottle of water before you eat to fill up your stomach.  I've noticed that many times that I thought that I was hungry I was actually thirsty.  Also....don't sit on the couch with the bag/package of the food that you're snacking on.  Make yourself a portion of it or you may grab into the bag and come back up with nothing. 

I'm writing this like advice but, in all honestly, I'm writing to myself.  You know how some silly girls refer to themselves as "drunk me" and "sober me"?  Well I'm going to refer to myself as "Off-the-wagon-hungry me" and "Goal-Oriented-Determined me".  I'm hoping that when the cravings hit, I can just read what I wrote to myself and stay on track. :D

Suzie Raincloud

One of the hardest things about dieting is the morning you weigh in, after weeks of struggling and refusing to give into your cravings, only to find that you haven't lost a pound.  It's in that moment that, if it were, at all possible, you deflate and melt into a giant puddle of misery.  To make matters worse, you find that the only thing that could give you both comfort and satisfaction to ease your misery is a warm, gooey plate of chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk--the one thing you have been trying to avoid.  My advice on avoiding the whole melting-pile-of misery and cookie-induced heart attack is, my favorite defense, defiance.  Take it from me, this is one defense that motivates me more than anything!

Picture all of your struggles with weight.  Even if you've had a wonderful, caring support system in your corner rooting you on, you've got to realize that they probably don't believe you anymore when you tell them that you've "got a winning plan and you're gonna do it this time".  Even though they're all nodding their heads and telling you that they're proud of you, they are more than likely thinking of the fairy tale about the boy that cried wolf.  It stings to think about it, but you're support group has lost faith in you.  As unhealthy as this may seem, you need to consider defiance as a defense against this lose in faith.  Who are they to not have faith in your willpower?  They probably have more than enough examples of occurrences when you gave in to granny's pecan pie, but who are they to judge??  If you can remember all of the good times with your family equally as much as you remember them saying, "Sugar I sure do love every pound of you, but I wish you'd love some weight", than you need to consider my viewpoint. 

Next time someone tells you that you can't do something or shows an obvious lack of faith in your abilities, add that fuel to your fire and burn that baby to the sky and prove them wrong!!!! Every person in the world has been given at least one stumbling block in their life.  Everyone has something to face and overcome.  Mine just so happens to be weight.  Don't let anyone point a finger in your face and tell you that you're fat and ask you if you've ever considered Slim Fast.  Never forget that they've got a bridge to cross as well.  Keep your chin up and keep faith.  You can do it!